Can't stop crying

Question:
 I'm so glad I found this board. On Monday I had to let go of my dear, sweet, sweet shepherd mix who has been with me for 10 years ever since he was a baby. It's been just he and I all these years, and if your soul mate can be an animal, he was mine. He loved everyone and was SOO gentle and good-natured all the time. I miss him so desperately I can hardly think. I had always figured I had at least a few more good years with him doing all the things we loved together -- he went EVERYWHERE with me that I could bring him, and many, many days I probably would not have left the house if not to take HIM out to have fun and go to the park or swimming or whatever. I already miss doing all of those things with him. Every afternoon around four, I would stop working and go out with my baby and relax -- it was my time as well as his and it was fun because we were together. Going out alone is just too hard to bear. Just briefly, what we had been treating as AIHA (or whatever that anemia condition is called ) for about a week and a half, he declined very suddenly on Monday niight and began having very labored breathing. A trip to emergency clinic, his last ride ever, revealed he was bleeding into his stomach, probably as a result of cancer of the spleen. His breathing was very, very labored by this point and I decided to let him go rather than, at 10, put him through surgery to buy just a little more time with a questionable outcome and quality of life. I NEVER wanted to see my boy suffer needlessly if I could possibly help it. I held him, tears streaming down my face, and said goodbye as the doctor gave him the shot. Although grief-stricken and missing him TERRIBLY and thinking of all the fun things I was never going to get to do with him again, until this morning, I was, at some level, okay with my decision and knew that I had been there for him at the end. One thing that had bothered me even at the time was that he kept turning his head away as I was holding him and trying to say goodbye. All I wanted to do was have him gaze in my eyes one last time and be reassured that I was there for him and take comfort from that eye contact. I chalked up his looking away to HIS discomfort and distress up until this morning when I suddenly recalled that WHENEVER I would be upset and crying and trying to hug him, he would get very uncomfortable and try to turn away in the same manner. Now I realize that, instead of COMFORTING him in his last moments, I was probably making him more uncomfortable with my tears and this knowledge is breaking my heart!!!!! I can't stop crying thinking that, in the very end, I made things worse for him instead of better! WHY, WHY WHY didn't I think of that at the time and force myself to be calm, or at least stop crying, for his sake, until it was over. Then perhaps he could have looked in my eyes and seen the love I had for him there. I am TORTURING myself over this now and I don't know how to get past it. I know we can have many dogs in our life that we love, but one is always the special one, and Zach was MY special one. Even so, as hard as it was (and it was WAY too soon buecause up to then he had been VERY active and healthy) I was okay with my decision and I could have lived with it. I wish I had never made that connection between my tears and him turning away. Now that will haunt me for the rest of my life, instead of being at peace with my decision and I don't know how to get past this.
Answer:
 Awe janicec, he knew you loved him. Don't doubt that and don't feel bad for your tears. I had a pit bull for a short period of time (somebody had dumped her near where my dad lived and he was going to shoot her so I took her in). She became very ill very quickly and all of my efforts to save her failed. The night before she passed, she laid on my bed all night beside me and she wouldn't go to sleep or even close her eyes for a moment. She kept her eyes on me all night, and all I could do was cuddle her. It was the following morning while I was at work on my pc, I heard her breathing become very labored and looked at her (she was by then laying on her bed behind me) and I and saw tears in her eyes. I knew she was ready to go, but she refused to close her eyes or take them off of me. I went to her and laid beside her and cried as I told her it was okay to go. It was then that she looked away and took her last breath. Gawd that was sooo hard, because I didn't want to let her go. But I knew that she knew I loved her and that I wanted her to be at peace. I prayed and cried as my baby girl died, but took comfort in knowing that she loved me too and that she wasn't going to suffer anymore. Your being there with him was comforting, whether he was able to look at you or not. He knew you loved him. :) Please don't feel bad for shedding tears for your best friend. *hugs*
Answer:
 Isn't it amazing how attached to pets we can get. Your going to cry for awhile as anyone would. My aunt years ago lost her 10 yr old shih tzu to a wolf she didn't eat or get out of bed for 3 days, I believe it's a process you have to get through. Your dog is waiting for you at the rainbow bridge (just heard about it) ok now i'm gonna cry (lol) anyway we would all love it if our pets went peacefully in their sleep but unfortunatly sometimes we have to step up and decide when it's time and though it's tough it was the best one you could have done for him. We had a shih tzu who was 14 and we thought we would give her the summer and the next day she was a mess, walking around in circles and she had some rapid infection throughout her little body and I had to hear from my vet that it was time and all though we were sad and crying (practically histarical) I don't think we made it worse for her in any way, it shows just how much emotion is involved between you and your pet. Sweety no matter what you didn't make the last moments of his life uncomfortable, you were there for him until the end and that is an act from a true owner and friend. He wouldn't want you to be dwelling on this just like if he was upset you wouldn't want him dwelling. Good Luck sweety There is a genie and he's hovering over a dog and he says...This is your third wish are you sure you want another belly rub? Just a cute lil joke.